The DUI “Decoy” – BETWEEN THE TRACKS

Only in Tennessee, where the state bird is the pickup truck and drunk driving is listed as an official county sport, could this tale unfold.

In Lebanon, Tennessee, a police cruiser sat outside Bubba’s Bar & Grill after last call, like a bullfrog waiting on a lily pad. The officer watched a feller stumble out who was so liquored up he looked like he was trying to ice skate on hot asphalt. This boy was wobbling worse than my Aunt Myrtle’s lemon meringue pie during an earthquake.

For what felt like half a Biblical lifetime, this gentleman tried his keys on five different vehicles—bless his heart—before finally collapsing into a rusty Chevy like a sack of wet cement. Meanwhile, the parking lot emptied faster than a church when the preacher says “In conclusion” for the fourth time.

Our hero eventually cranked his engine, flipped his wipers back and forth—despite stars twinkling in a sky drier than my grandma’s Thanksgiving turkey—toggled his blinkers, honked his horn (scaring half the nocturnal wildlife in three counties), and finally switched on his headlights. He inched forward, backed up a smidge, then sat there contemplating the meaning of life while the last stragglers peeled out.

When he was finally alone, he eased onto the road slower than molasses flowing uphill in January. The officer, who’d been patient as Job himself, lit up his cruiser like a Christmas tree and pulled him over.

The breathalyzer showed nothing. Zero. Dry as a Baptist wedding.

“Sir,” said the flabbergasted officer, “you’ll need to come with me. This equipment must be broken.”

“I doubt that,” said the man, grinning like a possum eating persimmons. “Tonight I’m the designated decoy. All my drunk buddies left while you were watching my one-man show.”

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MARK YOUR CALENDAR:

Saturday Feb. 21 at 11 am at the Episcopal Church, Tybee Island

MEET DARRYL ARMSTRONG,

 AUTHOR OF BETWEEN THE TRACKS

“A fellow writer once told me that if you weren’t making your readers laugh or cry, you weren’t doing your job.  Well, Armstrong’s BETWEEN THE TRACKS certainly did this. He can let us see the world through a child’s eyes or make us want to hug our dogs while we still can.  His chapters about characters he has known remind me of flipping through a family album with an old friend, where every picture tells a story. So, take your time with this book, and let each story sink in as they are meant to. – Jim Mize, author ofA Creek Trickles Through It: A Collection of Fly-Fishing Humor, and The Jon Boat Years

For seventy years, Darryl Armstrong has been collecting stories like river stones—smooth, varied, each with its own weight and shine. BETWEEN THE TRACKS presents these “down-home-heartfelt” tales, illuminating those in-between spaces where life truly happens.

Books will be available for purchase, and I’ll gratefully sign them for you. DA

Available at AMAZON: